Horses to the Left, Flyers to the Right
by DragonPaw Productions
Summary: This is a story about a girl name Lucky. She cry, cry, cries at her lonely heart. LOLOLOLOLOLOL j/k it's about exploding transvestite robots from outer space. Megatron/Starscream Crackfic - updates Caturdays
1. The Dude Who Wants to be a Chick

-1Author's note: THIS IS FOR THE LULZ. Generation One, based on the episode Enter the Nightbird. I shamelessly ripped off most of the dialog, though the plot kinda goes its own course by the end of this part. HAVE FUN~

***

In Autobot Headquarters, which this author is inclined to believe is located somewhere in Central America (that or the Grand Canyon area), Wheeljack and the others were installing his latest invention. Unlike his other inventions, this one only had a 60% chance of exploding.

"These detection panels are just what we need to keep us safe," he explained to Optimus, the speakers on the side of his head flashing blue as he spoke. He bent down and plugged one of the panels into the main network, which was hooked up to Teletraan-1. A dim orange light filtered through the cracks on the panel, signaling that it was on.

"Watch how the sensors react to metal!" As he spoke, Wheeljack moved his hand over the pad which flared technicolor orange. Then the sirens went off. "Not bad, huh?"

"Excellent, Wheeljack," Optimus commented. "The Decepticons won't find it easy to slip by that."

Never mind the fact that the entire ship is made of metal, and the panels aren't smart enough to defer between Autobot and Decepticon.

"Optimus Prime!" Cliffjumper called, waving as he raced over to the duo. "Come quickly - it's Dr. Fujiyama, the famous scientist!" Optimus and Wheeljack ran after Cliffjumper for the whole five feet it was to Teletraan-1's main monitor. A Japanese man with a slick tuxedo and light-plum tie stood on screen. He looked to be no more than 25 years old.

"Yes, Dr. Fujiyama, the famous scientist?" Optimus inquired, bowing towards the screen slightly. Dr Fujiyama, the famous scientist, returned the favor.

"Sorry to intrude, Mr. Optimus Prime, but I am in need of the services of you and your Autobots."

"For what reason, Doctor?"

"To guard my latest invention when I present it to the world!"

"Exactly what is it that you've come up with?"

Dr. Fujiyama quickly glanced around him. Then he leaned forward, dropping his voice to a semi-whisper. "Could the Decepticons eavesdrop on us?" he asked earnestly.

Any normal sentient being would have considered all the previous episodes in which either Laserbeak, Ravage, or Soundwave himself have eavesdropped - sometimes getting right inside the base - and learned of the Autobots' plans. I'm pretty sure this comes to a whopping 99% of the episodes.

But these guys ain't normal.

"Aw, it's not too likely," Ironhide replied. Note: the author didn't realize that he was standing behind Optimus Prime and thus didn't write him into the scene until now.

"Nonetheless, I fear to speak!" But Dr. Fujiyama did anyways. He said, "My latest invention is a _special _robot."

"…What?" Optimus asked.

"At the risk of seeming boastful- ha! - it is the greatest robot ever created by man! Which means it is, heh heh, _primitive _by Autobot standards."

"My curiosity is aroused," Optimus spoke matter-of-factly. "We will come, Doctor." (that'swhatshesaid)

"Oh, splendid! Splendid!" Dr. Fujiyama exclaimed. "_All_ the top scientists of the world will be on hand for the unveiling!"

Optimus simply bowed to Dr. Fujiyama who once more bowed back. Then, without getting any details about when or where this event was taking place, the transmission was cut.

"Ha!" Wheeljack laughed, his speakers flaring blue again. "Imagine - Autobots playing nurse maid to an _Earth _robot! It's probably just a glorified wind-up toy."

"Nevertheless, we'll go, if only to keep the Decepticons from getting their hands on it." Optimus spoke, laying a hand on Wheeljack's shoulder. "Autobots, let's roll!"

And then, using their patented "locating the greatest man-built robot ever unveiling ceremony" tracking technology, the Autobots transformed and rolled out.

The location turned out to be in some dome-shaped building in some obscure city. That had a fountain. And was big enough for the Autobots - all of them - to stand up in and have plenty, and I mean _plenty_, of room left over, despite the fact that the building was smaller than the nearest skyscraper.

"Dr. Fujiyama's doohicky is behind that drape," Ratchet told Wheeljack, who had just appeared backstage.

Wheeljack peered around the curtains to see what Ratchet was pointing at. He looked the draped figure up and down, trying to figure it out. By the looks of things, the robot was bipedal.

"If it walks, it probably needs a long extension cord," he commented.

Ratchet laughed. "I wonder if batteries are included?" he mused.

Before either could make any other joke, Optimus Prime strode by. "We're here to guard the robot, not to make jokes at its expense!" he chided as he passed. Then he took up position directly beside the draped robot, put his hands on his hips, and waited for the ceremony to begin.

In short time, Dr. Fujiyama appeared on stage. He waved as he made his way over to the podium and the crowd cheered.

"Gentleman, what you about to see is state-of-the-art Robotics!" he spoke into the podium's microphone. Then he turned, and with the help of Ratchet the robot was unveiled.

Everyone oo'd and ah'd. The robot was a few feet shorter than Optimus, but it was a much more sleek and deadly-looking model. The way its armor had been placed upon its body suggested that not only was it female, but it was also built to resemble the ancient ninja.

"This, gentleman, is the first female ninja robot!" Dr. Fujiyama went on. "I have named her…Nightbird!"

"Magnificent!"

"Tremendous!"

"Unbelievable!"

The cheers continued. Even a few of the Autobots seemed impressed, though they decided to keep their comments to themselves and simply nodded their heads in approval.

Off to the side, Optimus looked down at Spike. "What is a ninja?" he inquired.

"An ancient Japanese warrior, capable of amazing feats of skill and daring," Spike replied in a whisper.

"Yeah, I read about them!" Jazz added. "Ninjas were deadly assassins!"

"Uh, why build a robot-ninja, Doctor? Isn't that rather dangerous?" a plump man from the crowd asked.

"Nightbird has been constructed to demonstrate to the world the limitless capabilities of technology," Dr. Fujiyama began. "She will expand the horizons of robotic research and assist mankind, not harm him. I assure you gentleman, she is not meant for battle, or for assassinations, and I have limited her powers accordingly!"

No one seemed to notice the fact that she is holding nun chucks, and has several daggers and a katana strapped to her body.

"Now, gentlemen, if I may…"

Dr. Fujiyama never got to do whatever it is you do to turn on a giant robot ninja, for it was at this time that a random black-and-gray Autobot decided to fly across the room. A semi-explosion and screams followed after.

"It's that Dina-mental delinquent, _Rumble_!" Prowl snarled.

"And his pup-pal, _Frenzy_!" Mirage added.

Sure enough, the two mini-Decepticons jumped down onto the floor. Rumble immediately transformed his arms into pile drivers and beat down on the floor, making it too shaky for most humans to stand.

"We'll send them directly to scrap-iron city!" Jazz exclaimed, bolstering his ray gun.

"Wait!" Optimus grabbed Jazz by the arm. "We can't risk hurting the humans!"

"Your theory seems _shaky_ to me, Doc!" Rumble laughed at Dr. Fujiyama, continuing his pile-driving.

Dr. Fujiyama didn't pay much attention. With the help of the Autobots, he and the rest of the human attendees were ushered to the exits.

Above them, lasers were cutting their way around the dome roof.

"Look out! They're destroying the building!"

"Run for it!"

Laserbeak burst through the roof at that points, lasers _pew pew_ing and making a general mess of things. It managed to zap Prowl in the chest.

"The humans have evacuated!" Optimus yelled, drawing his own gun. "Autobots, ATTACK!"

Just as the Autobots were readying their forces, other Decepticons burst their way into the building. Megatron and Soundwave appeared together, while others were scattered around the dome.

"I bring you greetings, Optimus Prime," Megatron began, smirking and bowing slightly. He then held up his gun and fired. "LETHAL greetings!"

Bluestreak saw the attack coming. In a way that wasn't epic at all, he stepped in front of Optimus and took the blast.

"Bluestreak!"

Megatron cackled at his heroics. Off to the side, Mirage had attacked Soundwave, thus losing his camouflage ability.

"Mirage!" Megatron snapped. He then forgot all about Optimus and aimed his cannon at the one who would dare to kill his tape recorder. "Prepare to disappear _permanently_!"

Of course he missed. Optimus Prime decided to pay it forward and attacked Megatron. He held the Decepticon leader in an arm lock, which (little known fact) rendered his lasers useless.

But then Ironhide had to go and try shooting down Laserbeak, and of course _he _missed and hit the ceiling, so a giant piece of steel fell and pinned him to the ground. In the never-ending chain of stupid, Optimus Prime let go of Megatron to hoist the steel off of Ironhide.

"Optimus Prime, look out!" Spike yelled, pointing epically.

Megatron blasted Optimus in the back, which sent him wheeling forward.

"Prepare for Oblivion, Prime!" Megatron yelled, readying himself for another blast.

"Not yet, Megatron," Optimus huffed, standing to his feet. "Not…just…YET!" At the last syllable he turned around and punched Megatron halfway across the building. He moved to finish the job, but a rumble above him caught his attention.

The ceiling was being cut off like the top to a tin can. Hooks pierced the sides and latched onto the steel support beams. Then, with one final _crack_, the ceiling was lifted off and away.

"Prime, over your head!" Brawn called, as if Prime wasn't already looking. "It's Thundercracker, and Starscream!"

"We're not staying long, Auto-boobs!" Starscream sneered, snickering to himself. "We just came to pick up a friend!"

And yes, you read that correctly: Auto-_boobs_.

He and Thundercracker lowered their own set of grappling hooks. They latched onto the shoulders of the offline Nightbird, then they reeled her skywards.

How a pair of F-15 Eagle jets managed to hover long enough for this to happen is beyond this author.

Megatron let off another evil cackle, and, as Optimus was distracted, punched his foe in the face. He and his Decepticons took off after that, some not even transforming to jet mode and just using the turbines in their feet to fly.

An eerie quiet settled on the Autobots after that. Dr. Fujiyama slowly made his way back inside, picking his way around the rubble and hurt Autobots. He finally made his way onto the stage. Optimus took a few steps to meet him.

"We're sorry we failed you and the university, Dr. Fujiyama," he said, holding his hands out.

Dr. Fujiyama crossed his arms over his chest in momentary anger. Then he sighed, and let them flop to his sides. "It could not have been foreseen, Mr. Prime."

"Nevertheless," Optimus began, holding his hand up, "I vow that we will return the robot ninja to you as quickly as possible!"

"I only beg that she will be returned unharmed," Dr. Fujiyama said. "The technical components are irreplaceable, and are needed for research."

"Don't worry, Dr. Fujiyama," Jazz interjected, approaching the two. "We'll bring the little lady back in perfect condition!" Under his breath he added, "I hope."

"Oh, thank you Autobots! Thank you, thank you! I trust that you will!"

"The damage report is not too good, Prime," Mirage spoke, scratching the back of his head. He looked particularly grim.

"Then let's get our wounded back to the base," Optimus responded. "Autobots, transform and roll out!"

***

Meanwhile, back at Decepticon Headquarters (which is hidden underneath an oddly Cybertonian-looking spire in the middle of an open field - don't worry, I'm sure no one notices), Megatron and the gang were unloading their treasure. The Constructicons were standing at the ready, and once Nightbird had been place don the operating table they went to work.

"Mix Master!" Megatron barked, putting his hands on his hips. The mixing truck Constructicon walked up to his master.

"Yes, sir?"

"When will the ninja-bot be complete?"

"Within 72 billion astro-seconds, my lord."

"Good." Megatron grinned. He never felt more happy than when his dastardly plans were working as perfectly as a Red Ring of Death'd X-Box 360 would not. Without thinking, he let out a slightly maniacal cackle, then tapped the tips of his robot fingers together as he walked off.

Off in some random corner of the Decepticon HQ, Starscream sulked. He had used his patented Megatron's Mind Reading device he built in his motherboard's basement when he was 35 gerblagion astro-seconds old to, of course, read Megatron's mind. Ever since he was a kid, he wished _he _could be the one that made Megatron cackle with maniacal delight. The only way he could do that would be if Starscream were to somehow become a plan, and then somehow work perfectly. Given the track record of the Decepticons and the laws of Physics, neither would ever happen separately, let alone together.

_But wait! There is still hope_, Starscream thought. _I'm a transformer! The laws of Physics don't apply to me! _Trufax, children. If you are a Transformer you can do whatever the hell you want and reality will just have to deal with it.

And so, Starscream hatched his own dastardly plan. Within two astro-seconds he was ready, and no, I have no idea how long an astro-second is in human terms.

"Mix Master, my good friend," the jet began, walking up to the Constructicon and looking about as friendly as a caffeinated bumblebee, "how are things going with Nightbird?"

"We're moving along on schedule," the mixer replied, monotonous.

"Good, good…Say, Mix Master, wouldn't this whole procedure go a lot faster if you already had a ready-made micro processor to implant into her brain?"

"Yes, it would. It would save a lot of I-D-10-T errors we keep getting from building our own."

"Well why not use the mind of another Decepticon?"

"No one has volunteered. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to be a girl."

Starscream paused, thinking over his next words. What would be the best way to keep his dignity, and still ask to be turned into a chick?

"Listen, Mix Master, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Mix Master looked up from his work, then to his fellow Constructicons. Long Haul shrugged. Mix Master then turned back to Starscream and nodded.

When the two were out of earshot from the other robots, Starscream said, "Lately, I've been thinking. I've been very bad to Megatron. He is a wonderful leader, and I'd like to make it up to him."

"Alright," Mix Master began, furrowing his nonexistent eyebrows, "how do you plan on doing that?"

"Use my brain for Nightbird."

Mix Master gasped. "But Starscream! Think of your manliness!"

"I know," Starscream sighed, putting on a show. "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

After a bit more convincing, Starscream managed to get Mix Master to do the procedure. Little did Mix Master know Starscream didn't exactly want to make up to Megatron. Make out, maybe, but not make up.

_It will be glorious! _He thought as he laid himself down on another operating table that sprang from absolutely no where (remember: physics = gone). As he was slowly put into stasis lock, he ran over his plan once more.

_I will be the Nightbird. I will do Megatron's bidding, and he will love me so much he will recognize me as the one true leader of the Decepticons and he will make me leader! Then I will make him my bitch, and everything will be as it should be!_

But of course, Starscream forgot to figure in the fact that Kitty is writing this story, and she loves cheese.


	2. Exploding Unicorn

-1Note: Trust me, as stupid as this part may seem, it's going somewhere. I think. Kitty is very weird.

AND THEN THERE WAS CAKE.

Except robots don't eat food, so really there is no cake. I mean, how would they even make it? A transforming oven? Oh, Lord, imagine what it would be to be the _appliance_ robot. All your classmates got the cool jobs. They were either made to fight or to wrestle or to fly (and later became a Decepticon because of that, but whatever), or repair, and hell - even that dorky bucket of awkward nuts and bolts got turned into a freakin' gigamanstrousthingmahigger. You? You're a freakin' _microwave_. How the _hell_ are you supposed to pick up chicks and/or dudes? Well, I suppose you could blow up eggs or something. BTW, it only takes 1:32 seconds.

SO YEAH. No cake.

…

Oh, what the hell.

AND THEN THERE WAS CAKE.

After the femalification process, Starscream had the uncontrollable urge to make cake. You see, the sudden boost of estrogen in his central processor caused all this pent up flowery, female goodness to seek the need to expel itself elsewhere somehow, lest it kill its new brain. So he made cake.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Megatron barked as he entered the makeshift kitchen. Before his eyes were all of his Constructicons, and each and every one of them where shoveling cake down their throats. "Why are you eating cake?!"

"He can't stop, sir!" Hook shouted back, to make himself heard over the roar of the beater.

"That is no excuse to be feasting on starch-based-"

"LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

A high-pitched scream ripped through the air. Megatron performed a quick glance around the room. For the first time, he witnessed the source of the starch-based pastries. On the far end of the room, where the butter flung through the air and the eggs exploded in the microwave appliance Transformer; past the burnt mix, past the dirty dishes, and beyond the cake mix splatters, stood the vessel of an angel. She was absolutely glorious in his eyes. Within the instant, Megatron fell in love with everything about her - her swinging hips, her moving arms, and the way the beater wracked her body with spasms in perfect harmony with those in his nether regions (thank god he wore extra-strong underwear today; nothing less would hold that bad boy down)…It was love in the most quintessimal form.

Now excuse this author as she takes an acid bath with brain soap.

Megatron shook his head. Now was not the time to be fantasizing about the new ninjabot and pink bunnies. He needed to be evil and dastardly. He focused on all of his evilness, and this, much like the estrogen in Starscream's brain, caused his evil to seek out something evil to do. You know what he did? Of course you don't know; Kitty is writing this story, and she likes cheese. No one can predict a person that likes cheese. So here, this author shall tell you: he stole _forty cakes_. Not one, not ten, but _forty_. That's _four _tens.

And Superman wasn't. Even. Looking.

That's just evil. That's why they call him Megatron. That's why his mom left him and his dad drank himself to death. That's why he formed the Deceptions.

"_Ahem_," Megatron coughed, returning to the scene of the crime which now held an exhausted ninjabot and several confused Constructicons. "Are you through with making cakes?"

Starscream froze. If Megatron heard his voice, his non-high-pitched-screamy voice, it would be game over. His mind-reading device warned him of this, because while he knew Megatron loved Nightbird, Megatron didn't love _Starscream_. And that's what this is about, kids: true, inner love. So ignore the stuff about physics not existing and what have you. That's what adults call _bullshit_. I digress.

Lucky for Starscream, Soundwave cut in for him. "Her command chip should be activating momentarily," he spoke in his usual monotonous computer voice.

"Excellent! And what are her orders?"

"To steal the World Energy Chip from the Autobots, and then, to _destroy them_."

***

One time-skip later, and Starscream (aka Neo-Nightbird) had quietly stolen his way over to the Autobot Headquarters. By now, Wheeljack finally realized his metal-detection panels were absolutely broken (the explosion helped him in his deduction) and had them removed. Except for one, but Spike installed that one and he has the mind of a squirrel, so no one could find it and they just left it.

As he approached the base, all manner of nasty thoughts passed through his mind. If this author didn't feel so dirty after the cake scene earlier, she would reproduce them for you in their entirety. Alas, she will only give you two words, and leave your imaginations to work: _chocolate sauce_.

Starscream quickly ducked behind a bush when he spotted the camera. Luckily, it was pointing away at the time, but he could hear the gears turning as it swept across the area. He knew he was too far away from the entrance to be able to make it before the camera turned back to see him, even in his new ninja skin, so he came up with a new plan of entry. When the camera pointed away, he dashed for the cliff face.

"Go go gadget grappler," the tranny ninjabot whispered, and because he whispered, the grappler whispered, too, as it shot through the air. No one heard a thing.

"I don't understand it, Prowl."

Starscream froze as he reached the summit. The voice was coming from below, but not from the main entrance. As he stood to take in his new camera-less surroundings, he noticed a giant chasm in the rock, which lead to an elevator shaft in the middle of the Autobot base. _Perfect_, he thought, and he slipped down just in time to catch a ride. Within the elevator, Spike and Prowl continued chatting, completely oblivious.

"Just why would the Decepticons steal the ninja robot? They already have a formidable fighting force," Spike commented as the elevator began moving.

"I don't understand anything the Decepticons do," Prowl sighed.

"Yeah, it's over my head, too. But if we're gonna find her for Dr. Fujiyama the famous scientist we're gonna have to get a fix on what the Decepticons have done to her."

"Well, we can't expect her to come to us! We'll have to find her!"

With that said the elevator stopped, and both passengers were released into a lobby within the base. Starscream giggled quietly to himself. _Oh, the irony! …Wait, did I just giggle? Am I, mentally, becoming a chick?_ He started to ponder, but his existential crisis would have to wait. Now was his chance to move, and move he did.

It's odd how, despite the fact that the concept of "infiltrate the enemy base" has appeared in _everything_ prior to this moment in time, the Autobots never got around to installing security cameras throughout their headquarters. As far as this author is aware, there's only the one on the front door. Which wasn't there in the previous episode, btw, and will most likely explode by the end of this story. Why? Because it doesn't appear again. Ever. And if there's one thing that this author wants to do, it is to make sense of the nonsensical, or at least include as many explosions as possible. Speaking of which, Starscream is about to experience one right now.

As Starscream scurried through the headquarters, he came across a t-junction and carefully hugged the wall up to the corner. He slid silently across the orange metal, much in the way that bricks are silent when thrown into the midst of Metal Pans R Us. But that doesn't matter because everyone knows that robots are deaf to the sounds of _clang _and _ping_. He peered down one end of the hallway, then glanced down the other. What he saw was about to blow his mind away - literally.

She sat atop a fat, chubby little ball of rainbows and candy, otherwise known as the unicorn, with arms and wings spread before him. Light splayed out from behind the pair, and a heavenly chorus announced her arrival.

"_Cristy is here~_," it sang, then the light faded. However, the unicorn itself still sparkled and dazzled rainbows sparkles of sparkling brilliance. He was completely dumbfounded, yet still he managed to understand the awesomeness that spewed forth from her lips.

"_Starscream, hear my voice and be warned! You must leave that female body of yours! The fate of the galaxy depends on it!_"

Starscream scoffed. "Who cares what happens to this galaxy? My home rests in another. Besides, how could taking the form of a female robot in order to seduce Megatron and produce his offspring bring about the end of a galaxy?"

"_…It's on your head!_"

"What?"

And then she exploded. Starscream was pressed against the wall by the force, but he remained undamaged from it. His body had become covered in sparkling glitter, however, which would seriously dent his success of stealth were it not an 80's cartoon. From then on, moving through the base turned out to be rather easy. A few Autobots walked by, but he could easily duck behind a corner or into a broom closet (??) and avoid detection. He came to an obstacle in the form of Spike's hidden detection panels, but luckily a radioactive spider bit him and he acquired the ability to walk on walls. Moving around the panels turned out to be a cinch.

At one point, he came across Optimus Prime, Ratchet, and Brawn in the infirmary. Apparently, Brawn had suffered serious damage to his transforming relay, which the other two were trying to fix_ - trying_ being the keyword. (This is integral to the plot. Burn it into your brain.)

Oddly enough, Teletraan-1's main display room was bare-bone empty. Starscream shrugged and slipped beside the main monitor, then removed a panel beneath it and examined the buttons and switches below.

"Security Cam One? No," he muttered to himself, finger hovering over the button. He continued on down the line: "Menu, Utilities, Bullshit, Rick Roll, ???, Profit - _aha_! World Energy Chip!" With a quick yank the chip was in his possession. However this caused an electrical surge through the system and all lights failed. Certain Autobots noticed this.

"This can mean only one thing," Optimus Prime began, turning away from his work on Brawn. "An intruder!"

Starscream knew he didn't have much time. As such, he raced out of the room and down the hallways as quick as he could, never fearing any sound or trail he left. He just needed -

"Oof!" Starscream stumbled backwards, as did the Autobot he ran into. The Autobot recovered before he did, and by the time Starscream looked up, blinding lights were in his eyes.

"Hey, you're the-"

He never finished. Starscream cut him off with a quick punch in the gut, denting the metal, followed by a cop to the neck (yes, Starscream produced a cop from his backpack and threw it at the Autobot's neck). As it crumbled to the ground, two more lights flared up from behind him. Starscream ran out of the way just in time to avoid initial detection.

"Mirage, what happened?" he heard Optimus Prime ask.

"Over there!"

That's when the light hit Starscream. That's when Optimus Prime saw him - or her, as it was from his perspective. He didn't understand why he hadn't seen it before. She was magnificent, glorious, and sparkled with a radiance no woman could ever achieve. All thoughts of his wife vanished in the presence of the Nightbird. The way she looked at him over her shoulder with narrowed eyes set his central processing unit haywire with mixed signals. _To love or to hate?_

"It's the ninja!" Jazz exclaimed, pointing. Starscream took the moment to assess his weapons arsenal. He found out he could transform his hands into chainsaws. Chainsaws are completely freakin' B.A.; of course he did it.

"Don't hurt her for m- Dr. Fujiyama!" Optimus ordered. His CPU skipped a cycle. He almost said "me."

"And definitely don't shake hands," Jazz added.

Starscream huffed, then _threw _one of his chainsaw hands at Optimus Prime. While he and Jazz ducked out of the way, he continued to produce and throw more chainsaw hands. This author has NO IDEA how this is happening, but Kitty demands it be written.

Suddenly, the chainsaw hands stopped coming. Starscream froze. Behind him, a dead end. In front of him, armed Autobots. He got lucky with Mirage. He wouldn't get lucky with these two. Well, he probably would get lucky with Optimus Prime, but that's a different kind of lucky.

Then the sparkles started sparkling, and not in the normal way. The light from the sparkles consumed his body, turning him into one big, sparkling robot spinning in circles and then _crack_! Gone! Completely vanished. Optimus Prime's heart sank.

"Where'd so go?" Jazz wondered, walking over to where Nightbird once stood.

"I wish I knew," Optimus replied, trying to keep the sulk out of his voice.

***

Personally, he blamed science.

"_Cristy's robot unicorn is here~,_" the chorus chimed. Starscreamed coughed, hacked, and sputtered in return. The teleportation had stirred up a large dust cloud which got into all kinds of places dust wasn't supposed to go.

"Starscream! Are you alright? Did I hurt you? Oh, I knew I shouldn't have tried such a large teleportation spell from so far away!" the unicorn squealed, kicking its hind legs in the air.

Starscream waved it off. "I'm fine. Where is Cristy? Doesn't she have even more stupid advice for me? Isn't that the reason you pulled me out of there?"

"No, Cristy is not here, and that means I don't have much time before she realizes she's on a horse and that the tickets are now diamonds.

"Listen to me! Don't leave your Nightbird body! Cristy, she's lying! If you do, the world will collapse upon itself! Society will descend into chaos! The blood of a thousand kittens will wash over the United States, ruining everyone's hair, before moving onto Europe where it will destroy every fur coat!"

"What are you-"

"_Hold on, to the night, there will be no shame…_" And then it vanished into the light from the chorus, leaving behind a very bewildered Starscream and author.

Sudden pain shot through him, bringing him out of any possible thought. He let out a shout, then fell forward onto the barren earth. Turns out he hadn't been teleported _that_ far away - just outside the Headquarters and up a hill - and the Autobots had caught up with him. As his system scanned itself, he found out he had been hit with a stun ray, which he could easily remove the effects of. But he didn't move right away. He wanted to surprise the Autobots, because during his scan, he found another _way cooler _weapon.

"There, see? Now we can take her back to Dr. Fujiyama where she belongs," Ratchet commented upon stepping beside the seemingly stunned Starscream. Starscream seized the moment to swipe the legs out from under him, then swung around and knocked him out cold with a kick.

"She was playing robot-opossum!" Optimus started, stunned in the manner that this author is stunned at actually having written that down. That's when Starscream whipped out his newfound toy: a gun that shoots flame-throwing bears.

"Look out!"

"RRROOOOAAARRRR!"

"My leg!"

"I can't see! I can't see!"

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?!"

With three bears on the attack, Starscream made his great escape - but not before taking the plasma rifle from Optimus Prime, which he would present as a trophy to he beloved Megatron. But don't worry kids, Optimus and the Autobots will survive the attack and have themselves repaired within the hour, because this is a family-friendly fanfic.

***

Back at Decepticon Headquarters, Megatron dreamed about having sex with Nightbird, which he was totally going to do the second she turned up. He thought of all kinds of things to do to her, most of which involved butter and the leftover cakes.

The Constructicon standing before the TV monitor laughed. Megatron focused on the monitor, putting aside his daydreams for the moment. Laserbeak's reconnaissance video of Nightbird shooting flame-throwing bears at the Autobots was playing, and Nightbird had just stolen Optimus Prime's plasma rifle.

"So, pure Optimus Prime has lost his plasma rifle to little Nightbird? He'll lose more than that when we're through with him!" he commented, to make it seem like he was paying attention.

"Ah, she'll burn out fast, after the way Bombshell over torqued her circuits!" Starscream, the actual Starscream who wasn't actually Starscream but was really Nightbird's primitive mind put in Starscream's body while Starscream ran around as Nightbird, said.

"She won't burn out until she returns with the computer chip we need," Megatron countered. _And then I can use the energy we'll get from the locations on that chip to bring her back in full glory!_ he added mentally.

"_If_ she returns, you mean! She's not so hot!"

'She's hot enough to replace _you_ whenever I choose!" Megatron almost pulverized Starscream. Almost. Instead he drew back his fist when the Decepticon shrank in a flinch, turned, and walked away.

Starscream, the actual Starscream that was in the body of Nightbird, watched from the ceiling via his spidey powers. Megatron thinks he's hot, huh? So that's where Kitty got the inspiration for this story.

And so ends another exciting chapter of the What the Fuck club. Same time next week everybody!


	3. Caturdays

-1Today is not Caturday.

I have it on good authority that is was moved to tomorrow because this author got sick.

Unless you want Kitty to write, but she kinda sucks.

…Why am I talking in third person?


	4. Caturday pt 2

-1Ok so I lied we weren't going to update but then this author was like, "YOU MUST GIVE ZEM SOMETHING" and she gave me a shitton of shit to write about but between me reading the list on MSN and opening a word document I forgot 8D

SO LET'S GET CRACKIN!

As far as I know, our heroes were last seen on a holy quest to find the holy grail, which happened to be in the holy shape and holy form of a holy ninja robot built by some (probably) holy famous scientist. I WONDER IF THAT'LL TURN UP ANYWHERE HUH? So Starscream inhabits this body and is like, "I'M GONNA SCREW MEGATRON!" and Megatron is like, "I'd tap that~" and the real Starscream which isn't really Starscream but is the ex-brain of the old holy ninja robot is like, "Thug life," and blows the SHIT out of Decepticon HQ. This destroys the machine Grapple had made so Starscream could swap back to his original body after he had depleted the energy of the holy ninja robot body and TURNS OUT, the tickets WEREN'T diamonds and Cristy's unicorn LIED.

…Holy shit she LIED?! I thought the unicorn was going to be the good guy?? WTF! BRB

…Oh right that's what happens. Yeah ya'll will just have to wait until Caturday to get the real story ;P


	5. onez

-1And that's how an exploding Mudkip saved Metropolis from certain destruction at the hands of Professor Princess, who somehow looks like Cristy. I don't get it either, children. Professor Princess looks nothing like the fainting goat that Cristy is. But I digress; it's time to meet Kira.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Won't actually be meeting Kira this part. Because Kitty spoiled the majority of it I am editing her out until next part.)

(Kitty edit: BITCH!)

***

In Autobot headquarters, which is in the much less conspicuous rocket-crashed-into-the-side-of-a-mountain building, Ironhide and Ratchet assessed the damage done to Teletraan-1.

"It's much worse than we thought, Ironhide," Ratchet began, "She's stolen the chip that itemizes the world's energy sources!!onez"

Ironhide, bright as ever, replied, "It must be Megatron's doing!!onez"

Ratchet, who somehow has managed not to make a complete fool of himself so far (don't worry Kitty will fix this), countered, "More likely that ninja she-bot. The only thing I can do now is get Teletraan-1 temporarily running. We've got to notify Prime immediately! We can't let her deliver that chip to the Decepticons!" He finished rewiring the under works and moved to fiddling with the keyboard. Finally, a COM link with Optimus Prime was established. "Optimus Prime, the world computer chip has been stolen!"

"So that was the reason for Nightbird's visit," Optimus mused. "Good work Ratchet." He turned off his COM. With him were Jazz and Hound, the latter of which he turned to and ordered, "Activate your infrared." Hound transformed into his vehicle mode, activated infrared lighting, and began beeping. Because apparently, "infrared" translates to "radar" in Cybertronian.

"Why aren't we getting any signals? What's going on? Are we there yet?" Optimus whined after a while of driving.

"Wait! I'm getting something! I think that robot-shaped figure up ahead is her!!onez"

Indeed, there was a robot-shaped figure up ahead, but it was not the ninja robot. It was Startscream who wasn't really Starscream but was Starscream with the mind of the original Nightbird before it was replaced with Starscream's mind. He was hauling around what looked like a giant pickle to human eyes, but the Autobots quickly identified it as a bomb.

"Decepti-creep!" Brawn shouted, then he surged at Nightbird in Starscream's body.

Upon hearing the Autobot, Nightbird let go of the bomb and turned to face them. She went to reach for her flame throwing bear gun, but then she realized that she wasn't in her old body. She couldn't even move with her ninja stamina and dexterity. Luckily, a radioactive Jedi walked by and bit her, giving her all of her old powers back. And The Force.

"MIND CRUSH!!onez" Nightbird shouted, holding her hand out. Brawn, who had been the first to attack, immediately reeled from the blow. The screen went all inverted colors on him and he saw it shattering to pieces but not really 'cause it was just an animation trick. Next thing he new, he was rolling around on the ground, doing the hokey pokey.

Nightbird smirked at her mind crush ability. Unfortunately the attack had drained her for the moment, so she decided to buy some time by putting the Autobots on a chase. "Follow me!" Optimus shouted upon seeing her escape. The chase led to a dead end in a canyon, with no hope of escape, because unlike Starscream, Nightbird had only been bit by a radioactive Jedi, not spider.

This author is not quite why sure she allowed Kitty to dictate what happened next, but she did. First, Optimus tried wrestling in a bowl of syrup with Nightbird. When that didn't work, he decided to try throwing butter at her. When that didn't work, he made pancakes and scooped syrup and butter off of Nightbird's body for the toppings (and not in the sexual way). That way, everyone had a nice brunch before they went back to killing each other.

First, the Autobots tried shooting Nightbird. She used her Jedi Mind Powers to convince the plasma beams that they didn't actually want to hit her, but instead they wanted to turn around mid-flight and hit the Autobots, which they did.

"She'll pick us all off, unless…" Mirage trailed off. He turned his settings from "Dumbass" to "Invisible" and snuck up on Nightbird. Instead of, y'know, disarming the bomb (which everyone seemed to have forgotten about) or karate chopping her head off, he took her gun (or rather, Starscream's real gun) and threw it at Optimus Prime. Optimus, who had been wiping his face clear of syrup and butter, was promptly knocked out.

"Cliffjumper, try your blast gas!!onez" Jazz shouted, because everyone has to shout in combat, no matter how close they are standing next to each other. Cliffjumper readied his flamethrower, but Nightbird picked up missile and threw it just right so it blocked off the fire. Cliffjumper looked at, confused.

"She jammed it," he managed to comment, still perplexed over what had just happened.

Two things happened next. First, Cristy and her robot unicorn appeared, along with the chorus of angels announcing her (as always). Second, Brawn transformed into a . No, this author did not just bang on the keyboard. Yes, this author did do research and selected this word carefully. Yes, you will Google it (minus the "asaurus" at the end) and learn some shit.

Cristy, upon seeing that the pancakes were already eaten, decided to explode. Brawn, having become a , went on a rampage. This distracted the Autobots, who became more concern with taming their new pet rather than watching Nightbird. As such, Nightbird slipped away, bomb in hand, and crept ever closer to the Decepticon base.

***

Meanwhile, back at Decepticon HQ, Starscream (who is in Nightbird's body, in case anyone is confused), stealthily made his way back to his hidden broom closet where he stashed the machine the changed his mind with Nightbird's mind. He never made it.

It started quietly at first. Just a distant rumble. Then the convulsions wracked his body, and the flames flung him against the far wall. Tremors tore apart the Decepticon base. Starscream tried making it to his feet, but as soon as he stood, he came tumbling down under the weight of the fallen ceiling. He heard others screaming, Laserbeak _caw_ing, and Soundwave rattling off numbers like he could _science_ his way out of this situation. Fact of the matter is, a bomb the size of a your mother had been blown up, and there was nothing that could save them now.


End file.
